oh my, i think i lost that game of tag!  i had a full week accompanying my best friend to numerous doctor and healing appointments (she's living with and learning from cancer at the moment).

and that would answer almost all 5 of those questions for me...
i'm thankful and honored to be accompanying her on her journey
she's also thankful
we regularly thank each other with long meaningful conversations, often about human connection and interaction... and the depths to which we can plunge when we do it as authentically as we are... profound :)

sometimes we thank each other with a knowing look

Fresh out of the pupa… chrysalis, cocoon…

With a fresh NEW skin…

I made it.  I never doubted I would, but during some of the darkest & deepest times, a tiny part of me wanted it to stop… no matter how fruitful and inevitable it seemed it would be. 

I knew I couldn’t stop, I knew I could never go back… I know I can never go back to the blissful ignorance, and most of the time I don’t want to.  But every once in a while I let the part of me who DOES scream and yell it out.  She deserves that.  And I understand her desire to go back, to stop.

My daughter’s gone.  I don’t mean to sound dramatic; yes, she’s in NYC, just a plane-ride away, yes I’ll see her soon and often throughout the year, yes we talk twice a week.  But those of you who’ve carried a child in you, bore her, carried her around everywhere you went, nursed on demand, slept with her and did almost nothing else except HER for 9 months straight… followed by another 10 and a half years of training yourself to slowly let go, watching this wondrous being emerge from her own pupas over and over again… demanding of yourself to keep up, keep just a little ahead of this being in your own growth and evolution, so you can be there for and with her… pave the road?  No, they don’t need it paved… just BE there, on the road, along side them…

Our children are GENUIS…

So she’s gone.

And I’m alone.

Completely alone.

I’ve NEVER been this alone.

Before her, I didn’t know what it meant to be so emerged with another.  Now I do, and it physically hurts to not have it.  I suppose, to sound like a cliché, it hurts a tiny bit less each day.  One of the first days back from our trip to New England (flying back alone, leaving her there with her father), I pulled up to the ATM.  When it gave me the list of accounts to choose from: “Checking, Savings; Regular, and Savings; Caitlyn” I started balling again.  At the ATM. 

She’s not behind me, sitting in the back seat!!  How can I DO this without her?!?


LOTS of support!  I was “on the horn” with my 3 closest friends in the airport… “I’m gonna need to spend as much time with you as you have to spare.”  Another first.  Admitting I needed others AND allowing myself to ask for it, actually embracing and welcoming the need fully.  Feels good.

And then the time to finally, really, be totally alone came.  I resisted it, unconsciously, and felt a little twang that took me a day to understand.  My internal guidance was inviting me to stop resisting… to let go and sink into the loneliness. 

Again, I had a friend’s hand as I considered this idea.  And there, sitting there on the phone with her saying, “I think you’re avoiding being alone,” the myths started to fall.

Since I’m alone, it must mean NO ONE loves me, or even considers me!  I’m unlovable, unworthy, invaluable!

I could cease to exist right now, and NO ONE would know or care!

I’ll ALWAYS be alone!  (Followed by a million reasons why, like I’m too old, fat and unattractive to “get” someone now…)

Then, as these petals fell away, the Grand Poo-Bah of all myths rose up to be seen, finally…

I’m still in the crib, crying and crying and crying… no one’s coming.  No one will EVER come.  There’s NOTHING I can do about it.  I can’t get out, I can't go get someone!  I’m HELPLESS to make someone come and get me.  I’ll DIE here!

Wow!  Really?!?  That's what I was holding?!?  No wonder I've been so scared! 
Ok… so I’m NOT still in the crib, helpless, left alone.  I have choice, legs, fingers and phones… I CAN go out, reach out…

MAKE CONNECTION

Thank goddess…

Hello again, Everyone!  I’m back!  ☺ ☺ ☺  I missed you, and I hope you all have been well, enjoying abundance and peace. 

Thank you for being here for me to come back to…

My appreciation is boundless and indescribable.  I honor each and every one of you, and the collective… wrap your arms around yourself, if you wish, or kiss the mirror… or simply open your arms and receive the vast love and light I offer, for the taking.  It is endless, and expands exponentially as we draw on and revel in it.

Love always,
Carie

p.s.  i've gotten the message: i'm to work with dolphins, chanel my healing ability with these wondrous beings...  i hope to travel to some water and get in with them soon.  i'm open to ideas and suggestions... and if i end up in any of your places, maybe we can meet for coffee or a hike :)

...a board?!  :)

i cannot say enough good things about my master's program...
i had waited and hoped (for over 15 years) that something like this existed, even before i knew what i wanted...
as an undergrad, i dropped my psych major pretty quickly, disillusioned by the cut and dry, black and white, seemingly inhumane aspects of it.  they almost turned my stomach.  now i realize i was afraid of all that, because my deepest self wanted to be accepted fully (first by me) instead of being labeled with pathologies.

about 7 years ago i discovered inner bonding (.com) and was launched into a healing world that changed my life.  it's a way of living, although at first i did still have the habit of pathologizing myself (unconsciously), using IB to continue to limit myself, but it STILL worked!  :)   slowly but surely it brought me around to wholeness.  i've heard carl jung quoted as saying "i'd rather be whole than good."  AMEN!  :)

now i just live inner bonding... i hate to sound like a groupie or occultist... and i have to say i split off a bit from the co-founder, margaret, with whom i did some amazing healing for a few years, AND i've customized her technique/teaching with my own ideas and other methods & philosophies that feel good to me, so what i live everyday is not pure IB (or maybe it is :)

basically, everyday, i listen to my inner child (i listen to my body, which is how my inner child communicates with me).  I’ve become SO sensitive to my inner child and my body that sometimes I get this nagging feeling, like something ikky is going on, so I’ll take a 30-second break from whatever it is that I’m consciously engaged in, and go inward.  I always trace the nagging feeling back to a false belief I’ve told myself.  They’re usually subtle, and supported by larger society, family, and even some friends (although now a days I draw to me friends who think similarly and have released a lot of limiting beliefs).  Something like, “oh damn, I’m running out of money.  I’ve done it again.  So irresponsible!  I’ll never learn.  I’ll never get ahead, I’ll always struggle financially.”  This is all split-second, quite practiced and repetitive, and used to be unconscious, but now I have a physical “ICK!” reaction to it!  and until I go inward and trace where the ick feeling’s stemming from, the feeling persists, because I’ve raised the bar.  The standard in my life for FEELING GOOOOOD is so damn high ☺  It’s so cool that I’m THIS sensitive now.  ☺    

everyday i also connect to spirit (or, more accurately, I maintain a fairly constant connection) and at times ask spirit for guidance about something that my adult side is having trouble with.  

one of my mantras (learned from my original IB mentor & life-long friend mentioned above) is "i have good reason for everything i do; everyone has good reason for everything they do."  this is AMAZINGLY FREEING.  and that's just the beginning of inner bonding... there's more, and it's extremely effective.

so then i finally knew what i wanted; an MA in inner bonding!  but one did not exist, that i knew of.  i had explored naropa a bit online, but it didn't hook me.  i had visited lesley college in boston, and it too did not grab me, even though the woman who introduced me to IB and mentored me and is to this day a dear friend, earned her MA there and raved about it and the professors.  still not for me.

then one day i was on a spiritual website that had a list of spiritual psychology programs... 6th on the list was southwestern college, IN SANTA FE, and i started crying.  my daughter was born here, but i had returned east to be near family when she was young.  i had never wanted to leave santa fe, and kept watching for a way back.  (I had even told my boyfriend at the time, when I first met him, “I can’t fall in love with someone here because I’m going back to santa fe.”) 

the mother ship was calling me home!  :)

(later i found out that the TWO counselors i had seen while pregnant in santa fe were both graduates of southwestern, but i'd never known or looked into the program!  everything really is divinely guided :)

southwestern is very spiritual.  it's also alternative, AND accredited!  :)  it is a bridge between the old, stodgy (in my opinion), well established world of psychology and the NEW wave of amazing, integrated healing that embraces and welcomes ALL paths of healing :)

it is experiential as well.
the first entire year of course work (which i just finished, taking 2 years, going half time so i could still be a nice mommy :)  is focused on ourselves.  we are encouraged and even a little pushed to look inward, dig up our stuff, and understand it compassionately.  there's never ever any push to "heal" it all, just to be aware.  we're also required to be in therapy (only 20 hours sometime during the first year).  as a result, we're less likely to project our own wounds onto clients, and more able to compassionately hold space, allowing for each individual to uncover her/his own healing paths and modalities.

the founder, robert waterman, has a mysteries school as well, (http://aura-balancing.com/), and the vice president, katherine ninos, is absolutely amazing.  she holds space like none other, and starts every class with a brief light meditation.  and she's also very personable, and the first to admit that she is human :)

i'm also earning an extra certificate, in eco psychology.  The program is led by carol parker, another amazing being who's also bridging worlds.  (she teaches psychopathology using a medicine wheel!  no more pathologizing!  just wholeness and movement around the wheel  :)  i've been on vision quest with her (last june) and she's asked me to co-assist (with katherine) this coming september in canyon de chelly.  we'll hike to spider rock and have a sweat lodge with our hopi guide!  :)  i just need to drum up $1000 to pay for it :)  *opening to the universe*  the eco psych program has also brought a peruvian shaman here to lead 2 long weekend workshops, and he'll be back for more.  incredible!

This is MY experience of inner bonding, southwestern college (soon to be renamed Santa Fe Graduate School), and a plethora of other healing modalities (including abraham-hicks.com).  I’m sure it varies from other’s experiences.

thanks for listening :)
in peace, with blessings abundant
carie-bear

... but my healing/wholing journey including releasing that fear long ago.  being a single mother can cure almost anyone of that anyway!  *lol*  yes, now i cherish quiet alone time.  or sometimes not so quiet, cause i'll go to the movies alone, or out to listen to jazz or guitar/vocals... i do so appreciate being alone because i don't worry about anyone else for a little while.

i've also been on vision quest, spending four days and four nights completely alone, fasting... quite an experience!

on the other hand, i'm a people person BIG TIME... so much of my life involves sharing with people, which i'm so grateful for.  my alone time provides delicious balance :)

is it pathetic that i am amused by the purring kitty for... i dunno, like five minutes... just mesmerized...
i suppose the question is HOW pathetic is it?  :)

i LIKE the kitty!  ... the purrrrrrrrrrring :)

oh, if you haven't seen it yet, in which case i must seem like an even bigger lunatic (it's fun over here in crazy land - join me!  :)  you can tickle purring kitty's belly on my profile page... and at several other pages on this site, since i got Sugar (that's what my daughter's friend Diana named him/her) from a fellow Gaia member

What is your purpose? (25 words or less.) If you had to describe your calling in life, what would you say? What are you here to do? What gift is yours to give to the world?

I am here to love & play… to give, share, support & uplift… starting with myself & extending outward from my overflowing cup!


What do you love, and how do (or will) your actions demonstrate this? (250 words or less.) We at Gaia believe that following your heart is the best way to help the whole planet. What do you care about, and what do you most enjoy doing?

I love to meet new people and learn about them (especially any customs that differ from mine).  One way I’ve fulfilled this love (and will continue to) is through travel, seeking out locals wherever I go. 

I also enjoy understanding people and serving as liaison in a variety of situations.  There’s something delicious for me in bringing two or more, from seemingly opposite perspectives, together in understanding and compassion.  Truly seeing and reflecting another Being is so delightful.  Watching two do the same for each other is doubly so.  

So far I’ve manifested these delights through tutoring, and some counseling.  As I’m earning my Master’s Degree (in Spiritual Counseling Psychology @ Southwestern College in Santa Fe), I’m expanding my scope.  I’ve been on one vision quest through the Eco Psych program, and intend to use this scholarship money to go on another this September, to Canyon de Chelly, as a co-assistant!  In addition to the traditional vision quest (including a 4 day fast at a solo site), we’ll hike to Spider Rock and also participate in a sweat lodge! *BIG smile* 

Most of all (or perhaps at the root of it all), I love to play, be happy, have fun, laugh, and share such experiences with others …and sing in the shower, really, really loudly… with an operatic voice.


Write your ideal job description. (250 words or less.) Forget about job titles like 'doctor' or 'artist' or 'lawyer.' If you could get paid just to live, how would you spend your time? What would you devote your life to? What would your days be like?

My ideal job is already in the making.  Daily I foster healing, growth, evolution, nurturing, and comfort.  I will continue to expand the scope of this vibration in the years to come.  One manifestation of this that is crystal clear to me is my home.  The floor plans are drawn, but in my mind I see the completed 3D image; it is light-filled, with lots of open space, and natural elements all around.  Most importantly, it is designed to welcome and comfortably accommodate community as well as friends and family (extended & nucleus).  I keep seeing gatherings of loved ones, for a long weekend, a week, or a month… mingling with each other in the kitchen during breaks. 

We are all participating, to whatever degree is comfortable and natural for each individual, in community.  In these visions (over which I have no control, I simply enjoy them cascading through and over me), our gatherings have healing intention and a little structure, but calling them workshops does not quite fit.  They are not work.  I certainly have plenty of modalities in my toolbox, but these visions are not nailing anything down yet (pardon the pun).  And that feels nice.  It feels nice to not know, to welcome Spirit to play out, to manifest through me, in ways that far exceed anything my mind could conceive of on its own. 

I welcome the transformations and changes that will come to me, these visions, and my “ideal job”; they are natural as I evolve.

this is a friend of ours from Massachusetts... Caitlyn was blessed to have a few expressive dance sessions with her... we both were thrilled with this 4 minute clip and think you'll like it too.

WILD INSIDE :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAyHjxMRXQI

years ago ('98 or '99)  i had THE MOST vivid dream i'd EVER had. it was so moving that i called the person who was in it, who i'd never been more than acquaintences with and had not seen or spoken with in 2 years. i didn't even have his #... i had to investigate and follow a trail to find it.

turns out that the first scene in my dream had actually happened in his waking life!  and the message in my dream that followed that scene was JUST what he needed to hear. i was BLOWN AWAY... still am to this day... might be my favorite story... and as i'm learning to not repeat many stories (LIVE NOW, release limitations/stories, etc.) it might be the only one i keep.

it bolsters my faith
helps me remember that i am a conduit
a conduit for love and healing :)

i continue to have wonderful dreams that teach me well and offer loving support.  when they feature someone else in a way that feels beyond projection, that feels REAL...  i call them, and sure enough, there's always a correlation to their waking life  :)